New Parenthood Is a Stress Test, Not a Verdict

What couples therapy—and the research by John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in relationship science —can teach us about staying connected when you’re depleted to your core.

As a couples therapist, I often meet new parents who arrive in my office with the same quiet fear: “Is it supposed to feel this hard?” They love their baby. They love each other. And yet they feel more distant, more reactive, and more overwhelmed than they ever imagined. When I meet these parents, I feel a sense of sympathy and empathy deep in my bones. The sheer exhaustion and overwhelm I experienced myself when my daughter was born was like nothing I had ever experienced.

I wish someone had prepared me for the extent of the strain it would put on my marriage. That I would have understood that the arrival of a baby is an extreme stress test - and being overwhelmed and snapping at one another is not a verdict on the state of your marriage. According to research by Drs. Julie and John Gottman, approximately 67% of couples experience plummeting marital satisfaction in the first three years of their child’s life.  So if your relationship feels like it's cracking under the tremendous stress of new parenthood in those early years, it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing.  It just means your relationship is part of the majority of relationships that struggle under the weight of an influx of new stressors and responsibilities.  Research in relationship science suggests that major life transitions like new parenthood can strain the delicate dance of how couples handle conflict, how they repair after a rupture, and how they stay emotionally connected when stress is high. 

Why the “roommate phase” happens (and why it’s not your fault)

After a baby arrives, couples often describe feeling like coworkers running a tiny, loud startup. The days blur into shifts: feeding, burping, laundry, bottles, daycare logistics, visits to the pediatrician, the endless question of “Did you pack wipes?”

This is where the relationship quietly changes shape.

Many couples don’t “fall out of love.” They fall out of contact.

You stop having uninterrupted conversations. You stop touching in casual ways. You stop feeling seen. And once you stop feeling seen, you start keeping score—often without realizing it.

Gottman’s research emphasizes the importance of day-to-day friendship and positive connection—not just grand romantic gestures. When you’re running on fumes, friendship can feel like a luxury. But in new parenthood, it’s actually protective.

When turning toward each other becomes harder - the silent killer of relationships

A central concept in the Gottmans’ work is the concept of “bids for connection,” which are moments when partners “turn towards” each other. A bid for connection is usually small:

• “Did you see that funny video?”

• “There was a really interesting article I read…”

• A glance. A hand reaching out.

In the newborn phase, bids often get missed—not because partners don’t care, but because everyone is depleted. When bids go unanswered repeatedly, couples start to feel alone in the same house. That’s when resentment takes root.

A key therapeutic shift is helping couples move from “Who’s doing more?” to “Are we still reaching for each other—intentionally?”

Why conflict gets sharper (and more personal) after the baby

New parenthood doesn’t just add chores; it changes identity. And identity shifts make conflict more emotional. Partners may fight about dishes, but behind those conflicts may be more vulnerable feelings:

• “I feel invisible.”

• “I’m scared I’m not doing this right.”

• “I miss you.”

• “I need you to be on my team.”

When partners are stressed, conflict also becomes more polarized.  Relationship red flags, including criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, become more frequent or accentuated. That’s because under sleep deprivation, you can slip into these patterns faster than you ever have before.  And because new parenthood brings constant micro-stresses, couples get fewer chances to recover before the next problem hits. That’s why repair matters so much.

Repairs are the unsung superpower of resilient couples

In strong relationships, it’s not that couples never fight. It’s that they can come back together and try to maintain connection even during conflict. 

A repair can be simple:

• “That came out harsh. Let me try again.”

• “I’m overwhelmed—can we pause?”

• “I know we’re on the same team and we’re both just stressed.”

• “I’m sorry. I hate when we get like this.”

Or it can be a gentle touch, humor to remind each other it’s not the apocalypse, or a simple gesture like offering kleenex or a drink.

It’s easy to believe that if only we were “good communicators,” we wouldn’t snap. But snapping is a human response to overload. Repair is what keeps overload from turning into a story about the relationship itself.  Gottmans’ work emphasizes that relationships thrive on a strong ratio of positive to negative interactions over time. New parenthood increases the negative by default by the sheer amount of stress and fatigue it brings.  So couples have to intentionally increase the positive moments—especially the small and the ordinary moments of positive feelings.

If you’re struggling, it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible

It may mean you’re under-supported.  Humans were never meant to parent in isolation. Many couples are raising babies while also working, managing finances, navigating family pressures, and carrying unrealistic expectations of how calm and connected they should feel. If new parenthood has you fighting more, withdrawing, or feeling lonely, therapy isn’t a last resort. It’s a form of maintenance during a high-load season. And if you only take one idea from this post, let it be this:  You don’t need to “go back” to how things were. You need to build the next version of your relationship—one that includes the baby and still includes you.