When I start working with a couple fresh from the discovery of a partner cheating, they are knee deep in some of their darkest, most testing moments of their relationship. They are devastated, scared, and desperate for a way forward. In this post, I’ll talk about the way I work with couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity to give you an idea of what to expect if you are in this situation and are considering seeking professional help.
Infidelity as interpersonal trauma
The discovery of an affair or infidelity can be one of the most distressing and painful challenges for a couple. For the betrayed partner, their fundamental sense of order, safety, and justice has been severely disrupted. There is a reason why infidelity is often treated as a form of interpersonal trauma in the field of psychotherapy: the impact it has on the person who has been betrayed is often akin to the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), including intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance and emotional numbing, hypervigilance, negative mood and thoughts, as well as physical symptoms such as sleep disturbances and fatigue, among others. The hurt partner often complains that they no longer know whom or what to trust.
If you are in this vulnerable situation and seek professional help, it’s critical that you work with a therapist who will be able to provide a structured and non-judgmental environment that can act as a sturdy holding space for the pain that will be overflowing. I am trained in the Gottman Method, a research-backed couples therapy approach developed by Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman and considered one of the most effective therapeutic approaches for addressing issues like infidelity.
First step: stop the bleeding
From the perspective of the couples therapist, working with a couple navigating the aftermath of infidelity is like working in an emergency room, where a patient has come in profusely bleeding. The first order of business is to stop the bleeding - in this case, the overflowing of PTSD-like symptoms. To do this, the partner who has been unfaithful must be willing to share openly about the cheating and not be reluctant to share the details out of fear of further hurting their partner or “getting in more trouble.” Otherwise, for the partner who was cheated on, this can feel like they are left sitting in the dark, leaving their imagination to run wild and haunt their every waking hour. By being allowed into the facts and details of the infidelity, the hurt partner can finally begin to rebuild a sense of control over their reality by piecing together “what really happened.” And by being able to express their profound sadness and anger – and having them be accepted and validated – they can begin the process of healing.
For the partner that was unfaithful, by discussing what happened, it allows them to reflect on their actions, take accountability, and understand the impact of their behavior. It also helps them understand the underlying emotional dynamics that led to the infidelity. This first phase can last a few weeks or even months. It may also be the most challenging phase for both partners. The therapist must ensure that both partners feel heard and understood, which is the first critical step in rebuilding trust. Note that this is not the same thing as excusing the infidelity - the bottom line is that one partner violated the trust of the other and there must be accountability for that. But without understanding, no progress can be made.
Next step: create a safe environment for the wound heal
Once the bleeding is stopped, it’s time to clean the wound and provide a safe environment for the wound to heal. During this phase, the couple learns to be attuned to one another, or to tune into what the other partner is expressing and needing. This phase entails each partner learning to communicate their needs and desires constructively. In many cases, the couple may feel like they are getting to know one another all over again. This is the part where, if they survive the first phase, they can begin the work of building the foundation of a renewed, hopefully stronger relationship.
Last step: deepen the trust and implement preventative care
Finally, the last phase is to deepen each partner’s trust in the other and to implement preventative care so it doesn’t happen again. This phase is about being intentional about fostering emotional and physical intimacy and ritualizing opportunities to connect. Work is done to create a shared vision of what the couple wants their future to look like and incorporating new practices into their daily life to strengthen their connection long term. This is when we can work towards letting the renewed relationship really blossom.
To stay or to go? Only you can decide, but you have choices.
Now, this was a general overview of what the process can look like from a 30,000 ft view – but there can be a myriad of nuances as to how a couple actually navigates this process depending on the unique circumstances of each couple. It’s also worth noting that a couple may decide that going their separate ways is what is best for them at any point during the process. Perhaps the betrayal was too profound and crossed too many lines. Perhaps one partner has a personality disorder that prevents them from taking any accountability. Or perhaps still there were other long-standing issues that had already made the relationship unsustainable, or they discover that they don't share the same vision of the future. And maybe the couples counseling serves as an exercise in grieving what once was and processing the pain of separation. In that case, hopefully you learn things about yourself that you can then bring with you to the next relationship. Only you can decide if your relationship is worth salvaging. But the most important thing I hope you will take away is that just because it feels like a hopeless situation at first, it does not automatically mean that there is no hope. You have choices. You are in control of the meaning you make out of the struggle. Sometimes an affair is really just the nail in the coffin for a relationship that was never meant to be, but sometimes it is simply an arc in a story that can continue on beautifully– if you want it to be and if you are willing to put in the work.
** As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate, I provide marriage counseling after an affair in San Antonio and beyond within the state of Texas. A good fit between you and your therapist is critical to a positive therapeutic outcome, so I always offer a free initial consultation to make sure you feel comfortable with me. You can contact me at contact@welltherapypllc.com to set up an initial consultation.
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